Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. It doesn’t come with instructions. And it certainly doesn’t “go away” just because others stop asking how you are doing.

As a psychotherapist who works closely with grief and trauma, I often witness how people carry not only the weight of their loss - but also the pressure to “move on.” But grief is not something to fix. It is something to be with. Something to grow through. Drawing on the compassionate insights of Charles Finley , and rooted in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), this post offers a new perspective: that healing doesn’t mean forgetting - it means becoming.

Grief Is Not a Problem to Solve

One of the most damaging messages we hear about grief is that it should be temporary - that there is a point where we should be “over it.” but grief doesn’t operate on the schedule.  It isn’t linear. It comes in waves. And sometimes, just when we think we are doing better, another wave hits.

Grief is not an error in the system - it’s proof of love. As Finley reminds us, grief is not weakness or dysfunction. It’s a natural, human, emotional necessity.

In therapy, I often help clients challenge those internal narratives:

• “ Why am I still sad ?”
• “ I should be stronger.”
• “ This shouldn’t affect me like this anymore.”

But what if the grief isn’t something to conquer? What if it’s something to understand?

As Charles Finley puts it, grief invites us into intimacy with the pain of loss. Not to fix it, but to witness it. To stay with it long enough to let it change us, rather than close us.

Pain Changes Us - But So Can Meaning

When we experience a deep loss, we often lose more than just a person - we lose a sense of security, identity, future. This kind of disruption can feel traumatic. The mind spins stories of guilt or fear. “What if I had done something differently?” Or “I’ll never be the same again.”

And in truth, you won’t be the same. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be whole again. As you learn to live with the absence, your heart can grow around the loss - wider, deeper, more resilient.

As Charles Finley so beautifully puts it:

“ Healing is not about restoring what was lost, but about transforming pain into a new kind of strength.”

This is the essence of true healing. Not erasure. Not return. But transformation.

Transforming Pain Into a New Kind of Strength

Healing does not mean “going back.” It means moving forward- with your pain, not in spite of it. And this kind of transformation doesn’t happen in one moment - it happens slowly, through presence, compassion, and support.

This is what I’ve witnessed again and again in my work: people learning to carry their grief with grace. Not because the pain is gone, but because they’ve grown strong enough to live beside it - and sometimes, even because of it.

In CBT, we use practical tools to guide this process. These aren’t quick fixes - they are steady supports:

•  Thought  Journaling: To untangle guilt and reframe self-blame.
• Behavioural Activation: To reintroduce meaning into daily life.
• Cognitive Restructuring: To soften harsh and internal narratives.
• Self-compassion Practices: To allow grief without judgement.

These tools don’t erase the loss - they help you build a life that can hold it with integrity.

Grief and Joy Can Coexist

One of the most common fears I hear from clients is this. “If I feel joy again, does that mean I’ve stopped grieving?” The answer is no.

Grief and joy are not opposites. They are companions. It’s possible - and healthy to carry sorrow while also making room for love, laughter, and even beauty again.

You are not betraying the person you lost by living fully. You are honouring them through the life you continue to build. Some find rituals to carry forward the bond - writing letters, lighting candles, planting trees, or simply speaking they loved one’s name in everyday life.

Grief changes the form of the relationship - but does not erase the love.

When Grief Feels Too Heavy

If your grief feels stuck or overwhelming, or like it’s consuming your identity, that doesn’t mean you are broken. It means your heart is trying to process something immense. Therapy can be a place to be seen and supported, free from judgement or timelines.

Sometimes the most healing words we can hear are: “What you are feeling makes sense.”

From Grief, A New Kind of Strength

Grief will shape you - but it doesn’t have to harden you. When you allow yourself to feel fully, to grieve honestly, and to rebuild gently, you discover something powerful : you can live with loss, and you can grow around it.

In time, that pain becomes part of your wisdom, your empathy, your capacity to connect.

You may not be the same person you were before the loss - but that doesn’t mean you are less. You are becoming something new. Something strong. Something human, and whole.

And you don’t have to walk that path alone.

Healing from grief is a deeply personal journey, and sometimes having a compassionate help can make all the difference. If you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply want support in transforming your pain into the strength, I am here to help.

Through a blend of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT),Hypnotherapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we can create a space where you can process your grief at your own pace, build resilience, and rediscover meaning.

When you are ready, reach out to explore how we might walk this healing journey together.

Contact me to schedule a confidential consultation or learn more about my approach.